Lazy-eyed celebrity of the week: Paris Hilton

This week's (belated) lazy-eyed celebrity is...Paris Hilton! We've seen her on the red carpet...we've seen her red carpet. And she can see around the corner without moving her head. Next time you spend one night in Paris, be sure to bring your corrective lenses.

Night Vision camera's this way, chief!

iPhone Autocorrect Fail of the Day

Myself -> myglef

Snack Fail (aka I was Rope-a-Doped by a treat)

Why are all of the things I treasure most in this life heartlessly taken away from me? Crystal Pepsi? OK Cola? Chocolate Pudding Pies? Surely, if there is a hell one of its levels must be a grocery store whose shelves are lined with the fallen delicacies of days gone by, but guarded by the Beast and the Harlot...forever taunting us with eternal snack-denial. One of my all-time favorite diabetical delights was the Hostess Choco-Bliss. This small yet influential snack cake featured two chocolate cake slices, with a layer of whipped chocolate frosting in between and topped with yet more chocolate frosting:

 My blood sugar is rising just thinking about them. Imagine my elation when I was wandering the aisles of our local supermarket when my eyes happen upon a new addition to the Hostess lineup:

 

Could it be? My beloved Choco-Bliss had returned from beyond the grave? Callooh Callay! We eat nostalgic snacks today! I could barely contain my excitement as I scurried about the store to finish what non-snack shopping I had left (there wasn't much) so I could hurry home to indulge in the treats to come. With a spring in my step and two dozen Ding Dongs in my trunk, I sat down to savor the bliss (chocolate or otherwise) to come. The package opens...3? Count them...1...2...3 Zingers! Choco-Bliss only had 2 cakes in their package...take THAT downsizing! 

Over the lips and through the gums...my mind raced with thoughts of yesteryear's chocolate frosting. Finally, the moment was upon me. The first Zinger is away...and....

FAIL

SNACK FAIL

What the fuck?! This isn't a Choco-Bliss! What should have been dense chocolate cake with light, fluffy frosting was almost stale chocolate cake with equally dense, flavorless topping that had all the texture of modeling clay. It tasted like the plastic it was wrapped in. I checked the expiration date and these were indeed current. I had become the victim of a horrible, horrible ruse. Hostess had taken all my most cherished memories and raped them in pure Michael Bay fashion. Horrified at once again being forced to live in a world sans Choco-Bliss, I forced the remaining two snack cakes down my gullet, thankful that I could at least still surrender myself to the loving but fickle mistress that is the Hostess Ding Dong.

Worst Picture

Anyone who knows me (I'd say 'who is a friend of mine' but I realize that's a loaded phrase and only invites the requisite "You don't have friends" rebuttal, so ha! I'm not going to humor you) will recognize that I am hyper-critical of, well, most things. One of them being movies. While my tastes do not dip quite so far into that Indie-pool of self-important scarf-wearing nonsensery to consider myself a true "movie critic", I'd like to think I have enough self-respect to not be sucked into the cesspool of drivel that Hollywood has been spoon-feeding us for far too long.

That said, I am extremely displeased to announce that "Avatar" has been nominated for Best Picture of 2009. And it will win. Even though it's up against others such as "Inglorious Basterds", "District 9", and "The Hurt Locker", it will win. Because it was in 3D. And starred Sam "My eyebrows don't move" Worthington. And was James Cameron's "zOMG MASTERPIECE BESt MOVIe evAR!!!1!1!!!". I shouldn't even be mad about this since I care so little for what Hollywood has to say, I'm still pissed. Avatar sucked as a movie. If I wanted to see a 4 hour version of Disney's Pocahontas, I'd watch it twice. I mean, when Sigourney Weaver can't even be bothered to muster any kind of interest in what's going on in a scene, you know something is wrong. Christ, I'm surprised "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" isn't on this list too.

Watching Avatar felt like watching an entire 2 hour porno after you lost it in the first 5 minutes. It wasn't interesting...it was poorly acted...it gave you a headache...and when all was said and done you felt dirtier than when you began. The main difference is the $13.50 I save by abusing myself in the privacy of my own home.

Lazy-eyed celebrity of the week: Heidi Klum

This week's (and our first) lazy-eyed hot girl is...Heidi Klum! Off the runway and into our hearts...she's watching you while you touch yourself inappropriately...or is she?

                Camera's this way, Heidi

Obligatory first post

There are those who have said I will never keep a blog going. There are those who have said I have neither the ambition/drive/motivation/discipline to post even once a day to said blog. In general, those people are...correct. However, since this blog is dedicated to all things fail, how ironic would it be for me to actually succeed where I have failed so many times in the past?

Not that ironic.

Meh.

In any case, here we go. Enjoy the metallic-pee theme that Blogger has so graciously provided. I'd say I'll get around to changing the layout, but, I'll make you a deal: I can either work on the look-and-feel, or actually post.

In either case, you lose, and I gain nothing.

Let the games begin.