Worst Picture

Anyone who knows me (I'd say 'who is a friend of mine' but I realize that's a loaded phrase and only invites the requisite "You don't have friends" rebuttal, so ha! I'm not going to humor you) will recognize that I am hyper-critical of, well, most things. One of them being movies. While my tastes do not dip quite so far into that Indie-pool of self-important scarf-wearing nonsensery to consider myself a true "movie critic", I'd like to think I have enough self-respect to not be sucked into the cesspool of drivel that Hollywood has been spoon-feeding us for far too long.

That said, I am extremely displeased to announce that "Avatar" has been nominated for Best Picture of 2009. And it will win. Even though it's up against others such as "Inglorious Basterds", "District 9", and "The Hurt Locker", it will win. Because it was in 3D. And starred Sam "My eyebrows don't move" Worthington. And was James Cameron's "zOMG MASTERPIECE BESt MOVIe evAR!!!1!1!!!". I shouldn't even be mad about this since I care so little for what Hollywood has to say, I'm still pissed. Avatar sucked as a movie. If I wanted to see a 4 hour version of Disney's Pocahontas, I'd watch it twice. I mean, when Sigourney Weaver can't even be bothered to muster any kind of interest in what's going on in a scene, you know something is wrong. Christ, I'm surprised "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" isn't on this list too.

Watching Avatar felt like watching an entire 2 hour porno after you lost it in the first 5 minutes. It wasn't interesting...it was poorly acted...it gave you a headache...and when all was said and done you felt dirtier than when you began. The main difference is the $13.50 I save by abusing myself in the privacy of my own home.